Justin B Rye 31-Oct-05

Halloween Special

First, a few words of introduction.  The original edition of my Ranto page happened to include a passing reference to Hammer Horror movies (as a natural context for the imperative of the verb to live), which I was surprised to discover attracted a stream of complaints from Esperantists.  What were they being so touchy about?  Well, it didn't take me long to deduce the HIDEOUS SECRET they were so desperate to suppress…
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To avoid any charges that this page presents a somehow jaundiced view of matters, I suppose I'd better set the record straight by including some historical footnotes.

• It is TRUE that Dr LL Zamenhof worked as an oculist.
  The references to him as a Polish occultist that I keep running into are WRONG (besides, he identified not as a Polish Jew but as a Russian-Litvak adherent of homaranismo).
• It is TRUE that his middle name was Lazarus – and furthermore that his death occurred exactly a half-century before my birth.  (That's right: I was born on the fiftieth anniversary of Zamenhof's death… and then Sarah Michelle Gellar was born on the sixtieth.)
  However it is completely UNTRUE that he vowed to return from the grave and wreak a dreadful revenge.
• It is TRUE that members of the Japanese Oomoto cult worship Zamenhof as a god.
  But the idea that they kidnap monoglots for hideous ritual sacrifices is BASELESS.
• It is TRUE that Esperanto was originally the (pen-)name of the Doctor, not the name of his monstrous creation.
  However, it is NOT TRUE that he had a hunchbacked assistant named Ido.
• It is TRUE that William Shatner starred in a sixties horror movie with Esperanto dialogue… oh, and the killer in Halloween wore a Shatner facemask.
  But NEITHER of those movies featured his singing talents.  Censors were stricter in those days.
• It is TRUE that Father Schleyer, inventor of Volapük, claimed that God told him to do it.
  However, any suggestion that his translation of The Lord's Prayer began ash nazg durbatulûk is NONSENSE.
• It is TRUE that the Esperanto for tomcat is literally man-cat, and that the best the language has to offer for undead is un-un-alive.
  But anybody who tells you that the Esperanto for good morning is bela lugosi or that hudu malice vespertilio! means what a warm evening! is a bare-faced LIAR.

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